The True Meaning of Christmas

If you ask me what the meaning of Christmas is it is a penis gourd.

Allow me to explain.

About three years ago my husband's uncle gave him and every other male member of the family penis gourds. I am sure several questions are buzzing in the air. 1) what the hell is a penis gourd and 2) why in god's name would someone give one to a family member?

A penis gourd is just what it sounds like- a gourd for your penis. Ohh believe me, they come in all shapes and sizes, each one with it's own personality. They are the traditional garb of some far off tribe Uncle Don visited. Let's say the Ubangee tribe (it wasn't but that is my favorite tribal name as it rolls off the tongue so well). Anyway, the men of the Ubangee tribe wear their penis gourds as part of their daily attire. They tend their livestock, hunt, and carry on normal lives all while wearing nothing more than a penis gourd. Got the picture?

This leads us to the next obvious question, why the hell did he get them for the family? I am sure some of you are thinking I must have married into a family of pot smoking beatnicks who give themselves all natural genitalia covers at all major family events. Hardly. Dave's family might be the most clean cut Ozzie and Harriet crew in the history of the planet. Try and imagine the Cleaver family all opening penis gourds on Christmas morning and you will have a good sense of the scene.

So why then did he give these innocent unsuspecting men penis gourds? The only thing more amusing than watching the gourds being opened (and the subsequent deepening looks of both confusion and horror sweep across the room), was imagining the utter glee Don must have felt in purchasing said gourds for the known recipients. I am fairly certain he giggled all the way home through customs from Ubangee land. He must have felt rapturous mischief as he wrapped each one in it unassuming gift wrap to be quietly discovered by an unsuspecting victim.

Which brings us back to the true meaning of the holidays. It's about the giving and not about receiving.


Have a safe and happy holiday everyone!
xo,
colby

ps- if you know of anyone who needs a penis gourd I am pretty sure I can procure four of them at a very reasonable cost. Plus I can guarantee they are brand new, never worn! ;)

pps- Yes, I know there are TONS of typos. I've got two kids, and I write on the fly. If my typos got in the way of your comprehension then your an idiot.

ppss- Yes, I used the wrong your/you're. It was a joke.