Blog Repeat!

Ok, so this is a crap way to tell you what's new in our lives (since I wrote and put this up on the blog two years ago), but it is still suprisingly accurate. Plus I am too busy to write a new one. Hey, tnt runs the same episode of Law and Order three times a day; if it's good enough for Sam Waterson, it's good enough for me!


A Day in the Life Of...
Ok, so many of you ask me “So, what’s new?” And most of the time I have no answer. So, in an effort to better explain my days to the uninitiated or the blissfully forgetful (no offense, I plan on forgetting this pherneticness as soon as possible) here is the daily replay for my day, blow by blow.
2:12 am – Wake up thirsty for a drink. Realize that I forgot to get a glass of water for the bedside table. Decide no amount of water is worth possibly awaking Captain Wiggles n’ Giggles and roll over, reminding myself that camels go weeks without water.
2:46 am- Awaken again, unconsciously holding my breath, lest I wake the aforementioned Captain Wiggles. Now I have to pee. Having taught elementary school I used to the teacher bladder, which allows one the ability to pee once every semester. Now- welcome to mommy bladder. I quietly wonder if camels pee with the same frequency they drink. Decide I am part camel and roll over, determined to sleep before IT awakens and senses my availability to play.
2:52 am – Nope, gotta pee. Ok, the Native Americans were able to sneak across dry leaves without animals hearing them. Surely I can make it 11 feet to the bathroom. Except the Native Americans never stepped on a leggo in the middle of the night. I curse in all seven languages I know how to curse in. Realizing that legos were designed by members of the Spanish Inquizition, I hop as quietly as a woman cursing in Japanese can to the bathroom.
2:53 am - Realize Dave didn’t replace the roll of toilet paper.
2:54- 2:56 am – Plot Dave’s death and wallow in self pity.
2:57 am – Decide that sleeping on the toilet is not really an option. Tell dog to stop laughing at me.
2:58 am- With bathroom issues resolved I tip toe back to bed, only to step on a toy hair brush. Hop backwards cursing.
3:00 am – Having navigated the floor I slip into bed giggling to myself that I made it back and no one woke up.
3:23 am – Dog barks, awakening the Minister of Mischief. Hide my head under pillow and wonder if I can get the dog neutered again out of spite.
3:24 am - Offer Jumping Jacob $50,000 to let me sleep for another two hours. He agrees but I can tell he is suspicious. My guess is that he remembers the bath I was supposed to buy him a porche for letting me take without toy boats.
6:00 am – Awakened by Commando King asking me if peeing on the plants will help them grow. This is a bad sign. Pull blanket over my head and pretend I don’t speak English.
6:15 am – 8:00 am – Read Curious George Rides a Bike 104 times in succession. Wish the man in the yellow hat harm.
8:00 am – Make breakfast. Yogurt and fruit for Commando King (who is still refusing to wear anything). Ok, he’s eating- I have seven and a half minutes to empty and reload the dishwasher, change the laundry, and make and eat my own breakfast.
8:13 am - Wonder why it’s so quiet. Look at watch and realize I am four and a half minutes overdo. Just as I round the corner from the laundry room Captain Cookoo asks “Why does yogurt make better paint than my kiwi?”
8:13- 9:00 am – Windex every window on the first floor of the house, trying not notice the chunks are not all kiwi pieces and yogurt. Decide it is best not to know.
9:00 am – 11:20 am -Explain that Crazy Man needs pants to go to the grocery store. He refuses. Chase ensues.
11:20 am- After the grand skirmish Mega Monster Man is wearing a brown horizontal striped shirt, green checked pants, one orange sock, one white one, cowboy boots, and a sun hat. I am wearing a yogurt stained shirt, yoga pants that haven’t been to a yoga studio in two years, and two different flip flops. Doesn’t matter, close enough. Out the door.
11:30 am- Go to the bank drive thru. Woman gives Grumpy McGrumperson a lollipop. I glare at her with hateful eyes and say “Why not just give him crack and save me the trouble?” but being bad at conflict I say “Ohh thanks! That will surely keep him from falling asleep in the car! Great.” She misses that my voice is dripping with sarcasm and gives him a second one.
12:00 pm – Into the grocery store. Look at crowd of elderly people surrounding the service counter and decide nothing is worth dealing with this scene- I’d rather go hungry. Which reminds me that I never got to eat my breakfast as I was cleaning up yogurt paint.
12:20 pm- Back in the safety of the car I decide that we can do take out for dinner AGAIN. Look in the bottom of my purse for my phone and discover half a bag rogue skittles- HELLO BREAKFAST. Devour them before HE knows I’ve got something edible.
12:30 pm – As we pull up to the dry cleaners, he crashes and falls asleep. I decide it is better to not move and sit still in the car afraid something will wake him.
2:45 pm – I awaken to the nice policeman knocking on my car window to find out if everything is ok. Tell him I am waiting for my son to wake up from his nap. He points to Cuddle Bug who is sitting smiling angelically and has clearly been awake for twenty minutes. The policeman smiles the knowing smile of “boy, did you not even get a shower this morning, lady” that cops down here have. Which reminds me that I didn’t get a shower today. Wonder if skittles can act as breath fresheners.
3:00 pm – Brittany the sitter arrives. I hug her like a long lost relative. She gives me that “eww, you haven’t showered smile” that women have down here. They go off to play. I jump into the shower.
4:00 pm – As the hot water runs out, I decide it’s time to get out of the shower and get my to do list done. Throw on clean clothes, race to the grocery store, grab some stuff that sounds like it will make a reasonable meal (chocolate covered spare ribs could work, right?) , duck into the dry cleaners and realize we have a whole wardrobe these people have been hiding, drive over to the toy store to buy my niece’s birthday present so that it can sit in my garage till I find a box that will fit it for shipping. I figure she will be three by then but it’s the thought that counts, right? RIGHT?
6:00 pm – Brittany leaves. Chocolate spare ribs not a hit with anyone, not even dogs. Order pizza.
7:00-8:45 – Read Curious George Rides a Bike 78 more times. Wish death on that damn monkey. 8:45 – Notice that when he is asleep, the Mischief Monster is really pretty cute. Realize that I haven’t started on my to do list. Laugh, cry, and eat some chocolate. Any questions?